Mey

The absence of any action to me is far better than action. Through out my life I made it a point to avoid, to deny and to want to d anything constructive or productive with my time. Wasted away with long hours of video game play and jobs that end in no where but loneliness and alcoholism. I stood in bathrooms, basements, apartments staring at my surroundings and hating every inch of the walls, hating every inch of myself. I leave to be swept up in the hatred of my fellow man and woman. I hate with all of my soul and being. The emptiness they promote and project on this world. So I come back in, feeling defeated and alone, I sit in front of the computer or mirror or empty room staring at a hazy reflection and blotting out most of the outside world. I fear everything that has to do with me doing anything else but sitting and waiting for death. I am afraid to take risks, to go to school, to date, to love, to hate, to do anything but sit and click buttons for hours on end. I am terrified of me doing anything. I have no idea what to do with myself. My reality sound negative but it is truth, I do not hide from it or push it away. I live with it. I live with guilt and disgust. I live with inaction. I live with no motivation and I live with myself.