There on the horizon. See it?

I am agitated today. I wish to sell my car and travel to see the love. I have been waiting for this moment for about seven years. The financial freedom I trapped myself into so many years ago. Debt has always been this huge weight on me, it has consumed most of my life and has kept me from what I feel is living. Since I have a hard time creating things or rather keep myself from creating things, I have always had a longing for travel. To me...travel is easy, see a new place, walk a new street, become a stranger. I like that idea, a stranger without feeling alienated from my family and friends. A stranger that I choose to be, a nameless faceless being walking the emptiness with the other numbers. I have been agitated mostly since I have came home. I like Maryland a lot and I like the three to five people I hang out with...My family on the other hand makes me the most sad at times. They are people with wants and desires I can't get behind, mostly because it is the pursuit of excess, I am in the pursuit of nothingness, emptiness, freedom. To have nothing is to be free. Although I do love the woman I chose to be with and I suppose in some way that can be seen as a possession. But I would hope that she would journey with me. See the sites, taste the dew in lush meadows, kiss clouds, smell far off oceans and feel the sun underneath some new sky. Its what I want and Im working for it. I dont care what they say or think, but I want it now, Ive wanted it then and I want it now. Im going for it. Im going for it.

Eye

What people fail to realize is that we are all apart of the same whole. We are a superorganism. We forget that our actions forever effect the way we are perceived by our peers. We forget how our actions, words and desires alter courses of life. We are responsible for each other. We are responsible for our actions. This life is give and take.

Mecca

I have nothing to say and no reason to type. I'm starved for inspiration and I keep looking for that big meal up ahead. Maybe I order in or rummage the old cupboard. I feel like there will be this day of enlightenment where I will have enough of being this lurching machine scratching at every root and pulling up every rock to discover whats underneath. I put myself in my home plot but secretly I want to return to the arms of the rust monster. I like the way it peels my layers away exposing me, misfired wires and open gears. It gnaws on my joints and pulls at my wires.

It seems that I wish myself to not be comfortable ever. The comforts of friends and family. The comforts of home. I don't want it. I suppose I want to start my own comfort zone. One where I make the rules, I make the decisions or have a say in them. I am making steps in freeing myself of the burdens I have placed some years ago. I hope in the matter of months I can at least deal with the physical manifestations of my insecurities. My mind on the other hand is a different story all together. This I feel will take some amount of deprogramming. I must be willful I must be strong.

Weeee OHHHHHH

I don't feel like I'm at home anywhere. A lack of closeness. A lack of solidity in my surroundings. Everything feels its in passing. A lack of permanence. One foot out the door. Clothes in plastic bags. Trunk is full. A sense of detachment is present in all things. I want to find home. I want to find the bed to lie in. I want the warm breath on my neck. The hot meals. Less feeling of replacement. Less feeling of nothing.

An ocean of towns and cityscapes. I am set adrift on rivers of black. Places and people on their islands. I float by and we wave. A welcoming smile and a beckoning call for fleeting moments on my pontoon. I know the asphalt calls me. I know the lights guide me through the fog. I want the land. I want to stake my claim and burn my raft for firewood. Root myself next to the parking garages, streetlamps, and skyscrapers.

?

Forgettable.
Simply forgettable.
Remember to forget.
Burn.
Roaring Blaze.
Set fire to it all.
Fall.
Loose footing.
Scraped knees,broken ankles.

I'm Sleeping 3 hours a night Screaming

The bellow of the giant next door to me keeps me tossing.
My mind is a landscape of anxiety and serenity.
The cool calm breeze in the fields.
Tall trees and stoic mountains.
Interrupted with the effigy. The burning man, The sacrificial Lamb
The mountains ooze molten earth.
The breeze brings the smell of ash and the soot stains my face.
My bed, was once a welcoming friend.
I now see that there is no salvation there. No hope for rest or solitude.
I can see the dull glow in the seams of the mattress and box springs
This is not my home.

Why don't you get another job?

My mind falls flat on the pavement when I stare at the screen. Thoughts of others and lives and losses flood my mind. A suggestion, a call for help. A weight on my chest for months now. I keep wondering what I did wrong or what it was I could have did right or different. Stand straight, eyes forward, nails are clean. Falling in line. More like falling. I lost sleep some years ago and I wish I could find it. Sometimes I hope it will come back to the stoop looking for food. Then we could rekindle our lost friendship. Its hard to let go. Its hard to give up. Its hard to be someone you are not. Its hard to take a loss. I'm not dead yet. My heart still beats. I have work, I have my books. I have my hands. My hands have never let me down. They are strong. They are happy to hold the hammer, the knife, the gun. They are happy with these tools. We become proficient in our 40 hour a week life. We become needed, we become loved. That was my flaw, I forgot I was at work, its all a job.

Quotes

"An unhappiness that clung to her the way a bad dream clings to a rumpled pillowcase."

February 2nd of 20??

Infant wounds healed by the Mother. A lover taught to clutch me at her bosom. Take these scars with your love. Hate those who reaped my soul, Burn the cities. Create a new world for me to discover with childlike eyes. Wander and explore with me. Lead on to adventure. Help me take back what is mine.

6/09

Lacerate me.
Open Me up for the World to taste.
Let the night air quench its Thirst
Hold my head close
Tell me it's soon
Tell me you will go on
Tell me you love me

Its Hot

I don't feel well. I have a weight on my chest and back today. My brow is heavy with the longing of answers. I can feel falsehoods concocted. I can feel the lies seeping through the cracks. Today is a day of deceit. Today my paranoia burns me, the flaking skin, the smell of burnt hair and charred flesh. The smooth scars. I can feel the thickness under the fingertips. 3rd degree no doubt. They go deep, almost to the bone. Nerves miss fire. Its becoming hard to feel.

Sit with me.

I have always wanted those that I felt special,to join me in the alienation we have been forced into by ourselves or the ones we sought to be. Instead I have become alienated from those I wish to be a part of. By my own actions or theirs I feel like the old dog begging for scraps. I give myself to them willingly only to be cut from throat to groin and left for the buzzards. I have scars from the stitches. I often pick myself back up. I wander the desert in search of the caravan , the oasis, the humble abode for me to rest and seek camaraderie. I have forgotten again, like an Alzheimer's patient. Solitude has always been my one true ally.

?

I wrestle with my mind often. Thoughts of disease, broken bodies, tormented smiles, lonely conversations. I welcome others into it. A dying machine waiting for the last of its pistons to seize. A cargo hold filled with the dead, hauling bodies to the oblivion of the stars. The heavens speak. They speak clearly and they call for us all to return to the dust. I welcome this.

My four friends.

Surely I jest. Alone in the room speaking to myself. I hear the echo. I can feel my reflection. The windows are covered with plywood. Recycled air and moldy bread. The water tastes old. Rust, or is that the taste of blood in my mouth. My muscles are tight, the walls are falling apart. My knuckles are bear and broken. Dried blood runs on my hands and forearms. I set the pace for my self destruction. My body, the hammer, this room, the anvil, my mind, the steel. I will spend a lifetime to forge a weapon. I will spend a lifetime alone.

What is it about me that makes it so easy to lie to? So easy to hide and keep things from? The books I've read, movies, stories and music have pointed to truth as being the best possible outcome for any situation. I agreed. Ive loved and lost. Listened and spoke to. Traveled and stayed put. The falsities have followed me to everywhere. Why? Why is it that my strong moral base and character is championed and sought out by those to falsify their life? NOSH NOSH NOSH NOSH NOSH NOSH.

This was going nowhere but down. Allow me to pep it up. How? Well lets see where we go.

I understand the borders of the land, the open hand and the sky so grand.
What I fail to see, is why we think we are free or the real strangers to me.
Hand in the front,Knife in the back
Quite a cowardly attack
While I have fallen at every blow
I chose to stand right back up and grow.
Or is that true?
Do I fail to see the stranger in you?
Am I a fool for camaraderie?
A bro grab or false honesty?
I seek the truths in all your eyes.
I'll do my best to take everything in stride.

Hey ho lets go.
My father has told me that going back to Montana may not be a bad idea. He has asked me to work for a few months and get things all caught and see where I am at. He is a wise man, but I can't help to think that he is calloused, cold...I feel that my mother may have hurt him a lot more than he is willing to admit. While traveling in the automobile and shared with me in detail the story of my youth in which I remember vaguely traveling at 3:30 looking for my mother. I will leave out said details for they are of my ears. But I must say, I empathized with my father. He hoped that mother would have changed and wanted the best for her Im sure, but of course there are 2 sides to every story and I know my mother thought of him as controlling and over bearing. This I can see and also relate...but, for a mother of 2 to think it was a good idea to gallivant around town several nights a week with her lady friends (one of which died, asphyxiation on her own vomit) while he blue collar husband stayed home to mind the kids worried to death whether she would make it home I feel is wrong. Also...this kind of sat with me. "Your mother talked a big talk she was saying this and that about lawyers and I only stayed with her for so long because I was worried she was going to take you kids, I didn't want that, and obviously she didn't want you kids since she made no effort to straighten herself up and try to get you guys, cause she just went back to partying." This of course plays into the insecurities a bit more than I want. But I'll get over it. I always do.

Its gotta mean something

Saturday, Oct 17, 2009
Your amorous feelings and passions are strong and compelling at this time, and you tend to be very demanding of a lover's energy and affection. Tensions may erupt in close relationships because one of you feels that you have been giving more and not receiving enough in return, or one of you is more amorous than the other. Frustrated love desire can easily turn to anger or irritability at this time.

That it did, that it did.

Don't Read this, It's terrible.

Today the chores. Such a bore, to clean up after ones family and the mess they have made for 2 years. A sad concept but must be done.

I pleasurable night was that of last. A good musical act at the DC synagogue. Dead Man's Bones. This presentation of a fine Doo Wop/Gospel/Rock n Roll put me in a fantastic mood. The lack of club atmosphere and the superior sound quality gave this an experience that I will never forget. The fans lack the obnoxious prattle and stupor that many a young person enjoy these days. The music had a class and a presence that provoked thoughts of Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison and even Buddy Holly. A hands clapping, white gown adorned choir joined the fellows on stage and packed that much more of a punch to the layered and highly atmospheric tunes. Overall I suggest a viewing and a listen.

How much is that vent open?

A man so bold and believed, brought to the level of the common.
Easily cast aside and unwanted. A king in his own land.
The queen so elegant, so witty, so beautiful.
Her attention often sought and his for her is not enough.
A turn of the head by a lesser of men is all it takes.
He longs to be her Knight, her sun, her moon. He so eager to give.
But nay, her desires are far from his, and far from him.
He travels the land in search of peace and a hope for her hand.
A longing to be close again.

My nose leaks long bands of botanical bliss

Dance with me in the moonlight by the sea.
The smell of salt and a cool ocean breeze.
Take off your shoes my dear and I'll take off mine, lets run from the waves.
Let the surf and the foam be our symphony.
I long for your soft sweet smell to return to my senses.
The sweet sound of your voice and your supple skin.
Hardly do I sleep. Hardly do I breath. Hardly do I live.
Your presence is that of a cool Autumn night.
A feeling of home and hearth, a warm drink, and a hearty meal.
Let us curl in for the night. Nuzzle your nose close to my neck.
Allow my fingers to become tangled in your hair.
Dance with me tonight.

I thirst for the first words to wield

Who is to say what holds truth for any of us? A lost love, an old friend, that boy or girl you met last week. Where does this go and when does this end? What is to make you, you? Let us gamble a bit on the works of oneself and test your knowledge on the subject of effort. Test well and never give up, never sleep and eat sparingly. Choose your advisers well and watch the poison words of the snakes in the grass. Satan is among us and unhappy with the virtues you practice. He wishes to turn you to him and longs for your self destruction. Let your love inspire those and inspire yourself.