Quotes

"An unhappiness that clung to her the way a bad dream clings to a rumpled pillowcase."

February 2nd of 20??

Infant wounds healed by the Mother. A lover taught to clutch me at her bosom. Take these scars with your love. Hate those who reaped my soul, Burn the cities. Create a new world for me to discover with childlike eyes. Wander and explore with me. Lead on to adventure. Help me take back what is mine.

6/09

Lacerate me.
Open Me up for the World to taste.
Let the night air quench its Thirst
Hold my head close
Tell me it's soon
Tell me you will go on
Tell me you love me

Its Hot

I don't feel well. I have a weight on my chest and back today. My brow is heavy with the longing of answers. I can feel falsehoods concocted. I can feel the lies seeping through the cracks. Today is a day of deceit. Today my paranoia burns me, the flaking skin, the smell of burnt hair and charred flesh. The smooth scars. I can feel the thickness under the fingertips. 3rd degree no doubt. They go deep, almost to the bone. Nerves miss fire. Its becoming hard to feel.

Sit with me.

I have always wanted those that I felt special,to join me in the alienation we have been forced into by ourselves or the ones we sought to be. Instead I have become alienated from those I wish to be a part of. By my own actions or theirs I feel like the old dog begging for scraps. I give myself to them willingly only to be cut from throat to groin and left for the buzzards. I have scars from the stitches. I often pick myself back up. I wander the desert in search of the caravan , the oasis, the humble abode for me to rest and seek camaraderie. I have forgotten again, like an Alzheimer's patient. Solitude has always been my one true ally.

?

I wrestle with my mind often. Thoughts of disease, broken bodies, tormented smiles, lonely conversations. I welcome others into it. A dying machine waiting for the last of its pistons to seize. A cargo hold filled with the dead, hauling bodies to the oblivion of the stars. The heavens speak. They speak clearly and they call for us all to return to the dust. I welcome this.

My four friends.

Surely I jest. Alone in the room speaking to myself. I hear the echo. I can feel my reflection. The windows are covered with plywood. Recycled air and moldy bread. The water tastes old. Rust, or is that the taste of blood in my mouth. My muscles are tight, the walls are falling apart. My knuckles are bear and broken. Dried blood runs on my hands and forearms. I set the pace for my self destruction. My body, the hammer, this room, the anvil, my mind, the steel. I will spend a lifetime to forge a weapon. I will spend a lifetime alone.

What is it about me that makes it so easy to lie to? So easy to hide and keep things from? The books I've read, movies, stories and music have pointed to truth as being the best possible outcome for any situation. I agreed. Ive loved and lost. Listened and spoke to. Traveled and stayed put. The falsities have followed me to everywhere. Why? Why is it that my strong moral base and character is championed and sought out by those to falsify their life? NOSH NOSH NOSH NOSH NOSH NOSH.

This was going nowhere but down. Allow me to pep it up. How? Well lets see where we go.

I understand the borders of the land, the open hand and the sky so grand.
What I fail to see, is why we think we are free or the real strangers to me.
Hand in the front,Knife in the back
Quite a cowardly attack
While I have fallen at every blow
I chose to stand right back up and grow.
Or is that true?
Do I fail to see the stranger in you?
Am I a fool for camaraderie?
A bro grab or false honesty?
I seek the truths in all your eyes.
I'll do my best to take everything in stride.

Hey ho lets go.
My father has told me that going back to Montana may not be a bad idea. He has asked me to work for a few months and get things all caught and see where I am at. He is a wise man, but I can't help to think that he is calloused, cold...I feel that my mother may have hurt him a lot more than he is willing to admit. While traveling in the automobile and shared with me in detail the story of my youth in which I remember vaguely traveling at 3:30 looking for my mother. I will leave out said details for they are of my ears. But I must say, I empathized with my father. He hoped that mother would have changed and wanted the best for her Im sure, but of course there are 2 sides to every story and I know my mother thought of him as controlling and over bearing. This I can see and also relate...but, for a mother of 2 to think it was a good idea to gallivant around town several nights a week with her lady friends (one of which died, asphyxiation on her own vomit) while he blue collar husband stayed home to mind the kids worried to death whether she would make it home I feel is wrong. Also...this kind of sat with me. "Your mother talked a big talk she was saying this and that about lawyers and I only stayed with her for so long because I was worried she was going to take you kids, I didn't want that, and obviously she didn't want you kids since she made no effort to straighten herself up and try to get you guys, cause she just went back to partying." This of course plays into the insecurities a bit more than I want. But I'll get over it. I always do.

Its gotta mean something

Saturday, Oct 17, 2009
Your amorous feelings and passions are strong and compelling at this time, and you tend to be very demanding of a lover's energy and affection. Tensions may erupt in close relationships because one of you feels that you have been giving more and not receiving enough in return, or one of you is more amorous than the other. Frustrated love desire can easily turn to anger or irritability at this time.

That it did, that it did.

Don't Read this, It's terrible.

Today the chores. Such a bore, to clean up after ones family and the mess they have made for 2 years. A sad concept but must be done.

I pleasurable night was that of last. A good musical act at the DC synagogue. Dead Man's Bones. This presentation of a fine Doo Wop/Gospel/Rock n Roll put me in a fantastic mood. The lack of club atmosphere and the superior sound quality gave this an experience that I will never forget. The fans lack the obnoxious prattle and stupor that many a young person enjoy these days. The music had a class and a presence that provoked thoughts of Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison and even Buddy Holly. A hands clapping, white gown adorned choir joined the fellows on stage and packed that much more of a punch to the layered and highly atmospheric tunes. Overall I suggest a viewing and a listen.

How much is that vent open?

A man so bold and believed, brought to the level of the common.
Easily cast aside and unwanted. A king in his own land.
The queen so elegant, so witty, so beautiful.
Her attention often sought and his for her is not enough.
A turn of the head by a lesser of men is all it takes.
He longs to be her Knight, her sun, her moon. He so eager to give.
But nay, her desires are far from his, and far from him.
He travels the land in search of peace and a hope for her hand.
A longing to be close again.

My nose leaks long bands of botanical bliss

Dance with me in the moonlight by the sea.
The smell of salt and a cool ocean breeze.
Take off your shoes my dear and I'll take off mine, lets run from the waves.
Let the surf and the foam be our symphony.
I long for your soft sweet smell to return to my senses.
The sweet sound of your voice and your supple skin.
Hardly do I sleep. Hardly do I breath. Hardly do I live.
Your presence is that of a cool Autumn night.
A feeling of home and hearth, a warm drink, and a hearty meal.
Let us curl in for the night. Nuzzle your nose close to my neck.
Allow my fingers to become tangled in your hair.
Dance with me tonight.

I thirst for the first words to wield

Who is to say what holds truth for any of us? A lost love, an old friend, that boy or girl you met last week. Where does this go and when does this end? What is to make you, you? Let us gamble a bit on the works of oneself and test your knowledge on the subject of effort. Test well and never give up, never sleep and eat sparingly. Choose your advisers well and watch the poison words of the snakes in the grass. Satan is among us and unhappy with the virtues you practice. He wishes to turn you to him and longs for your self destruction. Let your love inspire those and inspire yourself.